A STORY - ABOUT TRYING

     I am trying to do things to relieve high levels of anxiety.

Yesterday late afternoon when I got home, and today, I went to the park by my apartment. There are two separate fields. One has benches and a playground, the other is just empty. I take my dog Bella there to the empty field, with tennis balls and my water bottle and a Tupperware container to give her water. She likes to play catch, and I throw the ball. Conveniently I enjoy playing catch too. We stay between 45 minutes and an hour and a half. Throwing the ball. Sitting down. Watching people walk by. This is how I am trying to help myself.

     I am trying to do things to relieve high levels of pressure.

Yesterday late afternoon when I got home, and today, I read from my collection of Dr. King's writings and speeches. There is a piece called The Strength to Love. It has ideas; ideas which I feel are still relevant today. I read the book at lunch, and sometimes after work with a pen and a notepad and a highlighter. I acknowledge concepts that I feel particularly strongly about. I read between a half and hour and an hour. Reading. Taking notes. Highlighting. Spacing out. This is how I am trying to help myself.

     I am trying to do things to relieve high levels of dissatisfaction.

At night when I sleep I have dreams, recently this has been regular. I dream very literal dreams.

A man in park told me to do what I love, and that could be anything but specifically it was different than now. I got rid of my car. I greeted new people; they took me in. I'm moving, moving, constantly in motion, never static in life or ideas. I dream in my bed, when I travel, when I go back down south. I wake and I consider the dream, the format, the message. I take note of these concepts and give them context in my life. This is how I am trying to help myself.

     I am trying to do things to relieve high levels of depression.

The doctor prescribes me medicine. I get a prescription. I take the medicine. When I take it sometimes I am fine, sometimes I question taking it, and will not refill my medicine. Then I get depressed, and I know I should just take the medicine. I take my medicine in the morning, but don't look at myself, I just take it, fast. Pill, mouth, swallow, fast. This is how I am trying to help myself.

I am trying to do things, and this is how I know I'm alright. Because I'm doing something.

Just do something. Try something. Sometimes it's just about trying.

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